Chore Wars: Renovation Edition
Caution - this is a humourous tale with a lot of laughter
Living in our Old Bandy House that needs renovation is like being in a sitcom where the punchline is always “another thing broke.” Here’s a peek into the daily hilarity of chores in a fixer-upper:
6:00 AM: Wake-Up Call (or earlier lately)
The day starts with the soothing sound of creaky floorboards. Is that the ghost greeting you? Or the raccoons? Perhaps Wally the Woodchuck? Most likely, it’s Tiki who wants his breakfast treats NOW. Who needs an alarm clock when you’ve got an alive-and-kicking house? I’m convinced it’s plotting against me, like a frenemy who smiles while hiding your keys.
7:00 AM: Battle of the Broom
Sweeping the floor is an archaeological adventure. Who knew dust could accumulate into layers rivaling the Grand Canyon? I swear I unearthed a 1990s Tamagotchi the other day. My broom is more of a time machine than a cleaning tool. And let’s be honest, we also have the vacuum, the mop, and the steamer on the daily cycle too.
8:00 AM: The Shower Saga
Turning on the shower is like negotiating with a moody teenager. Sometimes, it’s a gentle sprinkle; other times, it’s a full-blast assault. No. It’s never ever a full-blast assault. A girl can dream. We are going to join the gym so we can get three full-blast showers a week. And the SMELL? Let’s say I’m an expert in the art of getting in and out of the shower as quickly as possible. Add find an expert on well water to the list. Sigh.
9:00 AM to 12:00 PM noon(ish) - ADD on Steroids
I’m on work duty (I still have a full-time job) and can still smell the rotten eggs on my skin. This house has no central air, so the room air conditioners are on high alert. Oh wait—the county just announced an unplanned power outage. YUP… no notice, just hey, power will be out. Clark, on the other hand, has filled the bird feeders, started on the yard, pulled up some old boards, cleaned some areas, then went to the mailbox, started spraying for poison ivy AGAIN, went to check the cameras, washed windows, started peeling off paint somewhere, lost something, started on the yard again, and so on. It’s an absolute joy to watch from my office. Insert chuckle here.
12:00 PM noon(ish): Break Time (AKA Avoidance Hour)
It’s time for a well-deserved break. This usually involves sitting in the one spot on the couch that doesn’t sag, enjoying the moment of peace before the house decides it needs attention again. Ah, bliss. Let’s also be real, it’s not an hour. It’s more like 10 minutes to warm something up, smear peanut butter and jelly together, or make a sandwich and run back to work or the ADD items on the list.
1:00 PM: DIY or Die
Afternoons are for minor repairs, which often turn into major projects. “Just fixing this doorknob” quickly escalates to “Why is there a hole in the wall?” It’s all part of the charm of living in a perpetual fixer-upper house. Plus, walking into each room with the age-old question of Why am I here?
3:00 PM: Garden Grief
The garden, or as I call it, the jungle, is a wild frontier. Weeds grow faster than my ambitions. The lawnmower is my trusty steed, but it has a mind. Sometimes it roars to life; other times, it just farts and gives up - or a flat tire. Don’t forget the weeds that grow overnight and appear to be full trees by morning.
5:00 PM: The Final Countdown
By evening, I’m ready to wave the white flag. The house has won today’s battle, but the war is ongoing. I find solace in knowing tomorrow is another day, another chance to tame this wild, wonderful beast of a home. If tomorrow is a weekend, it means a trip to the laundromat, Walmart, and perhaps Home Depot. Who am I kidding? It’s ALWAYS a trip to Home Depot.
Living in an old house needing renovation is a comedic adventure. Each chore is a plot twist in the ongoing saga of my life. Despite the challenges, this chaos has a certain charm, and I wouldn’t trade it for the world—at least not until the roof leaks again. Or the raccoons. Or Wally. Or the bat. Or the mice in my hair while I’m sleeping.