Life Without Running Water: The Comedy of Country Living
What You Imagine
When you move to the country, you picture serene mornings with coffee (or, in my case, what I call Go Go juice), overlooking rolling hills, and maybe even a cute farmhouse dog or adorable cat at your feet. You don't picture announcing to your family, "I'm going to the bathroom, honey. Grab the bucket!" Welcome to my glamorous life without running water. This is not what we imagined living in the country, in a house that needs a major renovation and was built in 1880.
The Bucket List (Literally)
Forget about knocking on the bathroom door for privacy; in my house, it's all about announcing your business so someone can help fill the toilet. We’ve developed a system that involves a well-timed bucket brigade. The phrase "it takes a village" takes on a whole new meaning when your morning starts with, "Can someone fill the tank before I go?" Oh, the things you never knew you'd say. And - how incredibly romantic! Right??
Bulk is Beautiful (When it’s Water)
Grocery shopping has turned into a full-on logistical mission. Sure, I’m still grabbing eggs and milk, but the real star of the show is the water aisle. Am I buying water in bulk? That’s just my life now. There is a fabulous 5-gallon water filler at Walmart - Amazing! People see my cart and probably think I’m prepping for the apocalypse. Nope, it's just another week in paradise.
Hot and Cold, No Middle Ground
Living without running water has also introduced me to the wonders of a hot and cold water dispenser. It’s basically the queen of the kitchen, dispensing everything from cooking water to washing water to—let’s be real—coffee-making water. Who knew a simple dispenser could become the MVP of the household? What is even more amazing? It was a little Keurig pod holder that could dispense coffee or hot tea immediately!
Hand Sanitizer: The New Liquid Gold
When you're living like this, hand sanitizer becomes your best friend. And by best friend, I mean you're buying it by the gallon. Who needs hand soap when you can douse yourself in sanitizer every five minutes? It’s practically a spa day… if spa days involve antiseptic fumes and cracked hands.
Gym Showers: But Not Because I Worked Out
The local gym has become our personal oasis, not because I’m getting in shape, but because they have hot, running water. Walking in fully dressed with zero intentions of touching the treadmill is a new level of self-confidence. The actual workout is managing to look like you belong there as you casually head straight for the showers. Do I feel a bit judged? Absolutely. But a hot shower is worth every awkward glance. Plus, imagine the fun! It’s almost like being back in high school and forced to shower in a concrete room with multiple shower heads. But what matters? I can wash my hair!!
The Plumber Wait: My New Full-Time Job
If you've never waited for a plumber in the country, let me paint you a picture: it’s like waiting for Santa Claus if Santa decided to take up a side gig at the North Pole DMV. It’s a lesson in patience and humility. I’m practically on my knees, begging someone to show up and fix this nightmare. I've even resorted to crafting heart-wrenching messages, "Please, just swing by... I'll bake you cookies?" Or my personal favorite that I make Clark do when calling a potential plumber - my wife is sitting on the floor rocking herself and crying. I can smell her from another room
Conclusion
So here I am, living the country dream, minus the running water. It’s a humbling experience that has made me appreciate the little things—like flushing toilets and taking a shower at home. And if you’re considering a move to the country, just remember: stock up on hand sanitizer, and never underestimate the power of a good bucket.